Doesn’t that taste like cardboard? (and other questions about food)

[Not a metaphor this time!] The following strange thing happened at Target on Saturday.

I was reaching for a box of energy bars next to a Target employee who was with his product cart. He was stocking the shelves and chatting with an older woman (customer) who was standing off to the side.

Me: *takes a box of energy bars off the shelf*

Employee: Don’t those things taste like cardboard?

Me: No, not to me.

Employee: But I bet they do to your husband.

Me: Actually, he likes them, too.

Employee: Really.

I ignored his sarcasm and turned to leave, but I stopped, because I couldn’t bite my tongue harder without severing it.

Me: There’s this misconception that healthy things taste like cardboard.

Employee: *pauses, then points at the price tag on the shelf* Well you sure PAY for them, though.

Me: *walks away, not looking at him* WORTH IT.

I used this exact rhythm and tone:



…because I thought walking off singing “worth it” in a Men On inspired delivery was taking the high road.

It so happened that the energy bars I got weren’t even expensive. A box of Lucky Charms costs more.

Also, mister Target employee man,


Ahem. My thoughts:

  • [Just curious: How did he know I was married? Callaghan wasn’t there, and I wasn’t wearing my ring.]
  • It’s the woman who’s buying and eating healthy things.
  • Since the woman is the harpy who buys the healthy things (aka “rabbit food”), her hapless boyfriend/husband is forced to eat them, too. Real men eat meat, so this is tantamount to castration.
  • All such energy bars are healthy, so they all taste like cardboard… because everything healthy tastes like cardboard, or is otherwise disgusting.
  • (Newsflash: there’s a difference between healthy and nutrient dense; not everything is both.)
  • “Healthy” foods are gross, and “unhealthy” foods are delicious.
  • “Healthy” foods are expensive.
  • Must broadcast ignorant opinions about products at the store where you work.
  • Must make a negative comment about a product a customer is buying.
  • Must try again with a second negative comment about the product when the customer contradicts the first one.
  • Must make a negative comment to a customer in the presence of another customer.
  • Must make a negative comment to a customer, regardless.
  • Rude.

To be clear, I wasn’t offended by his commentary. There was just a lot of stereotype, misconception, and unprofessional manner packed into that short exchange, and it surprised me.

So, yeah. In 2016, there are still folks who think that if ONE healthy food tastes, to them, like cardboard, then ALL healthy foods must be distasteful in one way or another. Never mind that there are plenty of “unhealthy” foods that are gross to a lot of people. Not to mention, most “healthy” food now is the bomb.

Dear Target Employee: The 1970s called. They want their Four Food Groups chart back. And their “party fare” Crusty Salmon Shortcakes. Party food can’t be healthy, ergo, it’s tasty!


It's a party in your mouth!

It’s a party in your mouth!


Because why pair your tower of sweet biscuit-cakes with strawberries, cream, and strawberry syrup with whipped cream on top when you can have SALMON! YAY!

In the war against this health craze (responsible for the proliferation of over-hyped, newfangled healthy food), gloppy salmon chunks dumped over cake with olives on top will prevail. At least this example of “party food” from the dark ages doesn’t involve crimes against Jell-O, as many of them did. I was there. I remember. NEVER FORGET.

Mom never foisted this particular monstrosity on us, but I remember foods like this glistening on other people’s tables at gatherings:


Nothing says "festive" like lime Jell-O mixed with vinegar, onion, cottage cheese, and mayo, with a pile of mystery seafood nested in the middle.

Nothing says “festive” like lime Jell-O mixed with vinegar, onion, cottage cheese, and mayo, with a pile of mystery seafood nested in the middle.


This is why we older Gen-X’ers are all in therapy now.

P.S. By the way, mister Target employee man, it might be a good strategy to encourage customers to buy things. Just a suggestion.

I’m off to fix a plate of cardboard for Callaghan. It’s what’s for breakfast.

You’re American. You Must Be Obese.

We got back from our latest trip to Nice last night. While we were there, we took the time to visit the maison de carnaval (“house of carnival”), the place where the majestic floats for Nice’s annual February carnival are made. We wanted to get a sneak peek at the construction progress because, like last year, several of Callaghan’s drawings were selected to appear as floats.

I have something to get off my chest, so I’m going to go ahead and dump it here.

(By the way: This is not about Callaghan!)

Let’s say you’re an artist. You decide to participate in a contest to come up with a series of original drawings on the theme of “The Five Continents,” depicting your visual interpretation of the corners of the world. (This refers to the non-American version of the world’s continents, hence five rather than seven.)

The competition is intimidating. You know that your drawings have to be absolutely inventive in order for the committee to select one or more of them; a prestigious carnival’s enormous, sophisticated floats will be based on the winning drawings.

So here you are, ready to go! The continent of North America lies before you, challenging you. There are many options, many things about this continent you can take and develop into creative ideas. You sit and think and soon find yourself rolling along an exhilarating wave of inspiration, creative idea after creative idea blooming up from the depths of your imagination. Your mind hums with anticipation; you can already feel the satisfaction of releasing the creative mojo from your brain, taking the images from your mind’s eye and transferring them to paper.

You unsheathe your drawing pencils. You’re inspired. You’re proud of yourself. For North America, you’ve decided, you’re going to focus on the United States. You’ll incorporate various elements into your drawing – elements that will represent America. One of these will be an American woman: She’ll be obese. She’ll be blond. She’ll be naked except for blue star pasties on her nipples and a tiny red and white striped bikini bottom. She’ll wear a gold crown. You’ll put her up on the back of a pink Cadillac. In her upraised hand, you’ll draw in a diet soda. She is a parody of the Statue of Liberty.

At the carnival’s home offices, the selection committee reviews the hundreds of entries submitted by talented artists. Next thing you know, you receive a letter of congratulations. Your drawing was selected! Your idea was so original, it beat out all the others. At the end of February, a pink Cadillac float representing America, complete with the ridiculous half-naked obese woman brandishing her diet soda, will drift along in the parade for all to admire. You’ll receive an award for your clever design at the end of the carnival’s run. Congratulations.

Here are the rhetorical questions this scenario begs in my mind: Is the world really so conditioned to viewing America this way that it can’t see the juvenile cruelty of ridiculing obese Americans? Can there be an acknowledgement of the difference between a successful satire and outright hostile social criticism hiding behind the guise of satire?

Dear Selection Committee: I don’t get it. I don’t get why you would taint the illustrious tradition of your annual carnival by selecting a drawing such as this. Shouldn’t you be setting high standards for carnival parades, rather than lowering them by perpetuating mean stereotypes through the pedantic representation of them in your floats?

Why reduce a country’s identity to a stereotype, anyway? America. Geographical wonders such as redwood forests, the Grand Canyon, Mount Rushmore, the Great Lakes and Niagara falls. Specific, world-wide-recognized characters such as Elvis, Mickey Mouse, the Statue of Liberty and Uncle Sam. Places such as Hollywood and New York City. All of these emblems could be used as the basis of satire. Also worth considering is the tremendous cultural diversity among the American population.

America is nothing if not multi-cultural. The country grew up as a coming-together of people from all over the world, and those people brought their traditions that have both held pure and mixed together with others. It can be said that to be American is to be of mixed ethnicity; most Americans are “mutts.” I’ve known very few Americans who are 100% anything. It’s not like Europe, where it’s more predictable that people in Germany are of German ethnicity, people in France are of French ethnicity, people in Italy are of Italian ethnicity, etc. There is no such thing as an “American” ethnicity. America is unique in that it’s a country in which almost all of its citizens (the exception being Native Americans) can trace their ethnic roots back to their places of origin. “American” is a nationality, not an ethnicity. America is a collection of the world’s people.

How can anyone miss the greatness of this? When you really think about it, isn’t it a stunning concept? Isn’t it great, I mean truly great that a country such as America even exists?

What I’m trying to point out is that it’s kind of gratuitous to draw an obese white person and stick it on a float called “America” to represent its people. Clearly, the intent here is not to satirize. The intent is only to turn the subject into a laughing-stock for the amusement of the parade audience, most of which is not American.

Stereotypes can be negative or positive. Obesity is a negative American stereotype that suggests disapproval of not just a body condition, but a psychological one as well. Often, obesity is perceived as an attitude-oriented issue – one that can easily be changed if the person “really wants to.” It’s a complex stereotype, and it’s hostile: the obese are viewed negatively on different levels. This is why I’m feeling this drawing stretch beyond satire, and I have to wonder what the artist was thinking. Did he choose to portray obesity because it would be the easiest of the negative American stereotypes to draw? Or because it’s perceived to be the funniest? Or because it was just the first thing that occurred to him when he thought about America, so he went with it without bothering to search his mind for alternatives?

I saw this drawing, obviously. In my opinion, it’s not even that good. (I think I’m at least slightly qualified to make this judgment, since I live with Callaghan and I see the results of his considerable talent every day.) Regardless, if the decision to draw an obese person was made in bad taste, the decision to select the drawing out of hundreds was even worse.

I believe it would be possible to come up with ways to visually satirize America with the finesse required to also celebrate it – not just mock it. Intelligent, creative satire. I’m all for it.

We’re aware that obesity is an accelerating medical problem in America. But who is anyone to indict us, as a nation, for being “greedy” or “lazy” or “self-indulgent” (or whatever the perception may be) because of it?

Who is uglier – the obese American, or the person ridiculing him or her?