I recently went to another amusement/attraction/theme park trade convention with Callaghan, whose work places him in the midst of this collective recreational industry. All I have to say is this: The Pirate obsession has to end at some point. It has to. I’m not just saying this because Pirates are annoyingly ubiquitous. It’s that and the fact that they’ve dominated our popular culture for so ridiculously long now, and I don’t like them, anyway. When did the first Pirates of the Caribbean come out… 10, 11 years ago? I wouldn’t know, since I haven’t seen it, or any of them. Pirates (and Johnny Depp, for that matter) do nothing for me.

If I want to watch some sea-faring bad-assery happening on a big screen, give me Vikings. Seriously, why is it always Pirates? Pirates are assholes. Vikings can be assholes, too, but they’re not assholes by definition, like Pirates are. The Vikings didn’t go running around on the high seas stealing other kids’ lunch money, like the Pirates did. Vikings had more important things to do. And I’m not impressed that Pirates were more colorful than Vikings, because all that means is that the Pirates plundered ships containing textiles from exotic, colorful places, and they exchanged their dirty clothes for clean ones in the plundering process. Pirates should not be given credit for their fashion sense. They stole it. Vikings, on the other hand, wore clothes in drab colors because that was just what they had at home, and they didn’t waste time attacking other ships in non-territorial waters like all cowardly criminals do (Pirates). The Vikings saved their attacks for coastal areas on land.

So let’s take a look.

Pirates: sea-faring criminals

Vikings: sea-faring explorers and warriors

Pirates: Skull and Crossbones

Vikings: The Hammer of Thor

Pirates: Schooners

Vikings: Longships

Pirates: Jolly Roger flag on ship

Vikings: Dragon Head mast on ship

Pirates: sword and gun

Vikings: battle-axe and spear

Pirates: head scarves, billowy linen blouses

Vikings: iron helmets, chain-mail shirts

Pirates: rarely bathed

Vikings: bathed every Saturday

And finally:

Pirates: Disney

Vikings: American National Football League

YOU DECIDE.