Hello, friends. It feels odd popping into this space. It feels all of a sudden, though I started writing this post last week. I wrote it with every intention of posting it. I mean, I’m never one to feel like I’ve got it all together – I’ve long since given up on that goal – but these days I’m feeling it more than usual.
Nothing has been “usual,” though.
Firstly and most importantly, I haven’t lived in one place consistently in the last two months. I’m currently (as in again) not living at home.
Me without stability:
I am in no place,
I am in one place, and not another,
I’m not in a place, and yet in another,
I have one foot in one place, and one in the other,
I have one foot in one life, and one in the other.
There. I think I nailed it with that last one. I’m between lives.
I have a life, but.
I have no place.
My head rifles the in-between, looking for… whatever.
Looking for everything.
Looking for a thing, somewhere in the bardo,
The calendar says holidays, and I say what day. What days?
There are no days.
There is one day. A day. Like today. Today was a day.
It might be “fine and well,” which you wouldn’t suspect after reading up to this point. Is it weird to state what I’ve stated above and yet maintain that things are good? I’m happy. It’s hard to explain when I can’t explain what I can’t explain.
There’s no mental or emotional hand-wringing going on here. I just want to find land and then swim somewhere. It’s that kind of go-from-here situation.
Another thing about the last two plus months: I haven’t worked out at all, my friends. This is a huge, HUGE deviation from my normal routine, as many of you are aware, and I’m not okay with it. I don’t approve. I don’t feel good or do well when I’m not working out. The disarray will continue up to the New Year, after which I’ll be able to reinstate my regular workouts in my schedule. Thus I will unwittingly join the ranks of the fitness Resolutioners. The best thing about this prospect is that I’m heartily amused by it.
(I stay strong because of my job, though, so there’s that. I have my functional strength. I just know that I’m not in my usual shape.)
The holidays? I usually do Christmas cards. This year, I’m not.
In the last two-three months, I’ve been erratic here in this space, and I’m not okay with this, either.
There’s just a lot these days. I feel like I’m usually at my worst when I’m living out of a suitcase, but here we are, and to my surprise, I don’t actually feel like I’m at my worst-worst. I feel like I’m okay, so I’m not sure what I’m rambling about here.
Tonight I went to my work’s holiday party and took a pic before leaving:
Tonight, being Not At My Place (undisclosed location). [15 December 2022]
I think the main thing is that I have one foot in one life, and the other in another life, and I can’t talk about either life at the moment. I’m sorry for the vagueness. One day it shall be explained. Just… today is not the day (though today was a day).
At any rate, I hope this finds you all doing well on this beautiful weekend eve. Go in peace, friends.