Elevator Tips for the Elevator-Phobic

1). Notice that the elevator has a name, as evidenced by his name tag:

(HELLO my name is) OTIS

2). Christmas is less than two weeks away, and all the Christmas carols are on repeat all over the place. Think of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” and replace “Rudoph” and “reindeer” with “Otis” and “elevator.”

Otis the elevator

Had a very shiny nose,

And if you ever saw it,

You would even say it glows.

All of the elevators

Used to laugh and call him names;

They never let poor Otis

Join in elevator games.

3). When boarding an elevator full of people, imagine that they’re infected with a lethal airborne virus and challenge yourself to hold your breath until you exit. Do it until you feel like your head’s going to explode or you reach your stop, whichever comes first.

4). When you’re waiting for the elevator and someone else gets impatient and starts pounding on the arrow button repeatedly, rather than wincing while imaging the elevator’s revenge (malfunctioning with all of you inside, of course), imagine installing a whoopie cushion noise-maker behind the button so it makes farting sounds when she pounds it.

5). When you’re in the elevator with someone taller than you, envision shooting in for a take-down. The element of surprise is on your side.

6). If you really need to distract yourself, turn your mind to something even more disturbing than the elevator, such as this informative nature video by zefrank1:

Duck TMI, I know. What has been seen cannot be unseen, I know. Blame it on Otis.

Happy Friday!

As recently as eight months ago, my elevator phobia – a spin-off of my claustrophobia – kept me out of elevators at all costs. Now, because of my job, I take the elevator every day, numerous times a day. This marks a great personal victory for me, even though I still always choose the stairs whenever possible.

So, as a somewhat recovered elevator phobic, I thought I’d put together this handy Elevator Phobic’s Guide to Taking the Elevator, in case it can be of use to anyone.

1). When the elevator arrives and the doors open, look inside first to check for sewer roaches before getting in. You just never know, and the last thing you need is for your recently-somewhat-alleviated phobia (elevators) to be revived by a clash with your one remaining phobia (roaches).

Being weird in the elevator to show you my “I see a roach” face. Derp.

2). Always have your cell phone with you before stepping into the elevator. Make sure it’s charged.

3). If there are other people in the elevator with you, quickly check them out to evaluate whether or not you could take them in a fight if you had to (which I do automatically all the time, anyway, no matter where I am… it’s a reflex). If you do find yourself in a situation that necessitates self-defense tactics, the elevator would be a convenient place to be if you’re like me and you fight best on the inside because you have short limbs.

4). If you’re unsure about the integrity of the elevator, bring a bottle of water in with you. It never hurts to keep a protein bar or nuts with you, either.

5). If the elevator arrives and neither the “up” nor the “down” signal lights are lit, err on the side of caution and don’t get on. Wait for the next one. An undecided elevator is an elevator that might decide to get stuck in the middle somewhere.

6). Mentally listen to Steven Tyler singing “Love in an Elevator” while you’re in the elevator. It will bring some levity to the situation.

7). Minimize your time in the elevator as much as possible. I almost always take the elevator partially, up from the second floor and down to the second floor, rather than ground floor to ground floor. Between the ground floor and the second floor, I use the public stairs.

8). Arm yourself with knowledge by studying the control panel in the elevator as soon as you step in (well, after you size up anyone who may be in there already. Priorities, you know). That way, in the event of a stoppage, you’ll be more likely to able to find the appropriate buttons even while you’re in a panic.

9). Valium, or something similar. Just… whatever it is, have it with you. Frankly, if I could, I’d harpoon myself with whale tranquilizer if I got stuck in an elevator alone. I would just want to be out.

10). If there are other people in the elevator, amuse yourself by trying to figure out which person would be the devil, à la M. Night Shyamalan’s delightful film Devil.