snowman

The Snowman Situation, circa 1972.

That Asian-Looking Chick 4 Comments

Going through a pile of childhood photos to scan, I came across a few of my brother and I sitting in the snow in Long Barn and I noticed that the snowman we made was either surrendering to authorities or absolutely giving up on life with contempt for all who’ve fallen for the lies, in either case beyond fed up, and I can’t remember whether we knew it and didn’t care, or knew it and continued on in total denial. I was afraid for us in retrospect because we knew from certain fairy tales that things children create can sometimes come to life, and in this case our creation coming to life would mean inevitable doom for us all. The snowman we made was very angry.

I’m in red, my brother’s in blue, and the snowman’s in complete disgust.

We are artists.

Of the four of us, I’m the only one who looks pleased.

FUCK THIS SHIT.

We didn’t give him a cheerful scarf like other snowmen get. He is not a magical fairy tale, because the magic is in the top hat that we didn’t give him, either. Neither did we give him a pipe. Maybe that’s why he’s angry. He wants a pipe. He cannot be a jolly happy soul without a pipe. He has no intention of dancing around. When he melts away, he’s not going to wave good-bye singing, “Don’t you cry, I’ll be back again someday.” He’s going to give us the finger and say, “You’d better hope I don’t come back or I’ll give you something to cry about.”

So I’m not sure what my apparent joy over the situation indicates other than a lack of empathy for the snowman, but that might mean that I was a budding psychopath, so let’s just say that it’s my love of the horror genre being a case of nature rather than nurture and leave it at that.

Monsters under the Bed

That Asian-Looking Chick 2 Comments

I woke up this morning all motivated to jump onto Monster.com to search for on-line writing jobs.

Callaghan was quick to inform me of its short-comings:

“Monster.com isn’t what it used to be. For one thing, like everything else, they ditched the fucking monster.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, remember they used to have a little monster mascot?”

“Oh. Yeah.”

But in actuality, I didn’t remember, because I’d never been to Monster.com. Thanks to Callaghan, I’m now prepared to confront a sadly monster-less site, which might shake my faith in its accuracy and ability to provide up-to-date job opening information. Isn’t it false advertising to call your site “Monster” without a monster anywhere in the picture? I don’t see how a job-search site with false advertising can be trusted. It makes me wonder what else could be missing.

I’m sure that all they need is a monster make-over. Maybe they could create different monsters to represent a variety of career fields? I have some ideas:

-Serial Killer career: Hand-cuffed monster

-Underwater Basket-Weaving career: Brain-dead monster

-Sperm-Donating career: Tired monster

-Bullshit Artist career: Tap-dancing monster

-Vampire career: Sparkly monster

-Werewolf career: Blurry monster

Callaghan read my list and made some weird faces, like he couldn’t decide whether to say anything. Whatever!

I still haven’t visited Monster.com. I might get around to it later today, but I’ve lost my motivation. Maybe I’ll go outside and play in the snow instead. I could make a monster snowman and name him “.com.”