Alright, guys.

This is my birthday month. In eleven days, I’ll be one year older, and the spambots are on it. Yesterday I was innocently sifting through the detritus piled up in my non-personal personal email account (aka my designated spam email account), which I only check maybe once a week if that, when I found this generous offer from “Senior Helpline”:

 

 

First of all, WTF. Senior Helpline? Seriously? Since when does being 46 qualify you as a senior? Secondly, WTF again @ get paid to live in your house.

This infuriates me; I’ve seen firsthand how con artists take advantage of the elderly, targeting them with scams tailored to their perceived sensibilities and vulnerabilities. It’s unconscionable. I’m thinking of a certain octogenarian… who happened to be a WWII vet… who spent the last days of his life waiting for the mail for his sweepstakes winnings. He’d write checks to the crooks and then wait to receive his prize, day after day, sitting by the window, watching for the mailman and occasionally railing in rage if the mailman was late, or if he didn’t have the prize in hand.

I also got this email offer for burial life insurance:

 

 

Yes. It seems that with this birthday, I’m graduating from “Meet Senior Singles Near You!” spam, and now, the spambots figure I’m so old, I’m ready for the grave. Like 46 is the new 96.

I tried to complain about it to Callaghan on the phone at lunch yesterday, but he was too distracted by his own travails to respond. As if anything could be more distracting than get ready to keel over because you’re old emails.

“I got spam offering me burial life insurance,” I told him. “For as little as $5.5/month.”

He had no comment.

“I took this very scientifically accurate test online and it calculated my fitness age to be 22. You would think that they’d know that, if they know everything else about me.”

“Hahaha!”

“I’m glad you’re amused. I also got an email from ‘Senior Helpline’ saying that I can get paid to live in my own house.”

But he was actually thinking about the burial life insurance email.

“What’s it going to be when you’re actually old? Is it going to be something like get your burial in space?”

I thought about it.

“You know… that would be really cool… get cremated and have your ashes thrown into space so you can really become one with the Universe.”

Excuse me while I go yell at someone to get off my lawn.