Deep Conversation about the Feminine Mystique of Eyelashes

Callaghan predicts that within 20 years, false eyelashes are going to become a hot new trend for guys.

I disagree.

“Not eyelashes,” I said. “They cross the line. I can see guys who are goth, punk, metrosexual or just into the vanity thing or whatever wearing…”

“But within 20 years, don’t you think?”

“…concealer, powder, eyeliner, brows… maybe some kind of contouring, maybe some kind of lip product… but not eyelashes!”

“Why not?” (He followed up the question with a French exclamation: “Hein!”)

“I just don’t think that a guy who’s not into cross-dressing would go so far as to wear false eyelashes,” I said. “Eyelashes totally define a woman’s face. They make the visual difference between male and female.”

“How do you mean?” Now I really had his attention.

I cleared my throat, as if I was going to present my pivotal scientific findings before a panel at an international research conference.

“You’re an illustrator. YOU know. How do you make anything female? You give it eyelashes. Want a girl dolphin? Eyelashes. A girl seahorse? Eyelashes. A girl car? Eyelashes!”

It’s not the color pink. It’s not lipstick. It’s not boobs. It’s eyelashes. It doesn’t matter what it is. You can draw a black cartoon helicopter with no mouth and an asexualized build, but give it eyes that include long, curled, flirty eyelashes, and it’s automatically understood to be female.

“That’s true…” He looked thoughtful as he visualized cars with eyelashes. We’ve actually seen two of them in real life tooling around Austin. Cars with headlights fringed with thick black plastic eyelashes.

“Adding eyelashes instantly feminizes animals and inanimate objects, so I can’t see non-cross-dressing men wearing false eyelashes,” I concluded. “But maybe things will evolve. Who knows.”

I was thinking, I don’t even put on false eyelashes… I never have, and I don’t think I ever will, so why would an average guy want to engage in that kind of time-suckage? I’m not dissing false eyelashes, or women who wear them. I just prefer to stick with mascara. Blackest-black, one coat. 30 seconds and you’re done.

Callaghan was convinced.

Later, he recalled an example of a non-cross-dressing male movie character wearing false eyelashes, and he made this brilliant NOT UNLIKE banner in his honor:

 

Female car on the left, Alex in A Clockwork Orange on the right. NOT UNLIKE.

Female car on the left, Alex in A Clockwork Orange on the right. NOT UNLIKE.

 

Also, you should see this seahorse that Callaghan drew for me a while back (that’s why I’d mentioned a seahorse in our conversation):

 

The seahorse (l'hippocampe) that Callaghan drew for me. Eyelashes! It's a girl!

The seahorse (l’hippocampe) that Callaghan drew for me. Eyelashes! It’s a girl!

 

 

It’s meant to go on a t-shirt. Aww!

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6 thoughts on “Deep Conversation about the Feminine Mystique of Eyelashes

  1. You are correct Kristi.
    Did you happen to discuss how A Clockwork Orange has long been over-rated? Pet peeve of mine.

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  2. Right?!

    No, we didn’t take the discussion that far. That’s a good topic, though!

    Thank you, Gordy. =)

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  3. You’re so right about eyelashes leading one to assign the feminine gender to anything. I like C’s Unlike banner, but I’m not sure which picture is creepier, the car or the guy. I am batting my thin, stubby eyelashes at this…maybe I need some fake ones! Ha, ha, ha,

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  4. Poetry, it’s like magic! Instant Girl. I think the pics in the banner are creepy, too. Haha! If you want false eyelashes, now’s the time to stock up – they’re currently trendy, so they’re all over the place, in all the stores, and you can probably get some good deals! oxox

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